How to Date Yourself

Sophie Kinsella once said, “Everyone is moving on without me in a world I do not understand.” I could not relate more. The transition from high school to college is probably the strangest period in a person’s life. I am a senior in college but I have friends my age who are getting married and having babies, some already have careers without even going to college. Some have one foot out of college and one foot into the supposed “real world”. I can’t even take care of a pet fish. I haven’t had a serious boyfriend since I was in high school and I regularly forget to eat dinner. I barely even get around to brushing my hair. I constantly find myself romanticizing my non-romantic pasts of what could’ve, should’ve beens’ and even a few “wait was that guy actually in love with me and just never told me?” “should I text him right now?” No Avery! You haven’t spoken to him in seven years! But I realized that I was/am constantly comparing my life to other people’s, who, the only thing I’ll ever have in common with is the fact that we went to the same high school. Nevertheless, every engagement ring or first trimester picture I see makes me reevaluate the way my life is going and I can’t help but think that there are some people out there who feel the same as I. One day I overheard someone use the expression “I need to start dating myself”, and I thought about what that might mean for me, for my friends.

I realized dating yourself is different for everyone. For some people, it is dating a lot of different people and finding yourself in them. Maybe you’re picking out the compatible qualities in them, adding them up to make a perfect person for you. The people we date, the people we call our friends or family or the ones we choose to spend time with, say more about who we are as people then it does about them. Sometimes these people are the complete opposite of us and sometimes they mirror who we are. Dating those people can help us put the pieces of who we are together. So, though some may see dating a bunch of people as a waste of time or exhausting you have to look at it only in a way that benefits you. Maybe they weren’t the one but you’re a step closer to finding “the one” then you were before and you realized you actually hate it when people chew really loudly or only talk about themselves. All of a sudden, an hour has passed by and they never asked you a question about yourself. Don’t date those people.  

You could go the eat, pray, love route: buy a ticket, go somewhere exotic, eat great food. I’ve tried that and I think it works. You meet interesting people while also getting to know the ones you already know in a more intimate way. When you’re in a strange place, you tend to understand who you are better and the world you live in. Traveling can open up your eyes to a world you didn’t know existed. Sometimes that can be liberating because there are endless possibilities and sometimes that can be scary but it can also be somewhat reassuring. Through this you’ll learn that with endless possibilities, there are endless people to meet. And you will realize that you’re meant to meet and experience different people in your life and you will love them all differently. But my advice, I’ve been to twenty six different countries and three continents and maybe all traveling is good for is understanding that in the grand scheme of things we all have a place in this world and there is someone for everyone and maybe that person is a little closer to home then we thought.

For some it is quite literally dating yourself. Taking yourself out for dinner alone, seeing movies alone, going for long walks….wait for it…. alone, and the list goes on. Learn how to be alone with yourself while surrounded by a bunch of people. Figuring out the things that you like to do and being alone while doing them can often feel like a liberating experience. Sure, the first few times might make you feel funny and like everyone is staring at you but you’ll gain confidence in being alone and I promise no one is staring at you (okay maybe they are but really? Shouldn’t they be paying attention to something else?). Everyone has this idea that if you don’t have a boyfriend or you’re not dating one person or a bunch of people that you are alone andsad. Maybe I am sad, maybe I am alone, maybe they have nothing to do with each other and maybe they have everything to do with each other but no one else knows that except for me. I think if you can sit alone by yourself at a restaurant then you are powerful and you’re not alone just surrounded by people you don’t know. Realizing that you don’t actually need anyone else in the picture to be happy or have a good time is the greatest feeling in the world. I have a girlfriend who will go to bars by herself and just drink if she’s bored. She’s got a boyfriend she loves and friends she loves but she likes going to bars and drinking alone sometimes. No one knows what your story is or who you are except for you.

My personal favorite aspect of dating yourself is having friends who date themselves too. Sure, I just got done telling you how to be alone but you need to find yourself by being both surrounded by your best friends and surrounded by complete strangers. My best friends are my soul mates and everyone else is just background noise (for now). I’d do anything for them and them for me. That is love. That is a relationship. Maybe that’s too Sex and the City for you or maybe Charlotte actually had a point. Your best friends will be there through the boyfriends if and when they come and go, through husbands, through babies, through death’s and divorces, they will be the ones who stay constant. Yes, your husband/wife will be on your side and be your champion and you should (god willing) be together forever but your friends knew you longer. They knew you at your vomiting at 3 Am, dancing on bar tops and applying to grad school while doing it all phase. Now that’s love.

Whether you take the past advice or not, one step is essential in dating yourself, no matter what direction you decide to pursue: be your own hero. Stop waiting for a white knight to sweep you off your feet. Figure your life out for yourself and don’t factor someone, who doesn’t even exist yet, into it. Learn how to save yourself, learn how to solve your own problems, and figure out the kind of life you want. And for god sakes call your mom a little more, she has advice that even a white night couldn’t give you like how to do your laundry and whether or not you reallyhave to separate white’s from darks. Once you’ve mastered this, you will be completely independent from anyone. Being independent does not mean you are alone or unhappy being alone or that you’ve been alone for so long. But things happen, people get sick, people die, people leave, life happens and maybe your significant other promises to be there forever and always, maybe you’ve got a ring to prove it but one thing will always be for sure: they won’t be there all the time and they might not be there forever. When all is said and done at least you’ll be able to pay your taxes, cook for yourself and do your damn laundry. 

With all of this, dating yourself is a way for you to experience new things. It won’t be easy, love is not easy and maybe some people get to the finish line faster but there’s no guarantee of happiness in the long run and no warranty for your money back. So, the time is now. Live your life, and find out what makes you happy, what makes you tick, and who you’re supposed to be with. After this you won’t be blindly guessing what kind of person you want to be with, you’ll know. In twenty years whether you’re happily married or living the bachelorette/bachelor lifestyle, when you look back on the snapchats and Instagrams of your life, you’ll smile because you’ll remember, that above all else, you chose yourself.